I do say, SHUT UP

I'm a Graphic Designer. I don't currently work as one, however. Yes, yes I know. I'm workin' on it. That's a story for another day.

Shall we then?

Let me paint you a nice little picture. I graduated with an Associate's in Graphic Design  9 years ago. Sadly, I also lived in a town where the extent of graphic design demand doesn't really go much further than money mailers and visually repulsive billboards for clients that don't know their ass from their elbow.  The primary issue I ran into in freelance work in the armpit of the black hole that destroyed the lemming's universe, was the clients inability to let the creative reigns go even an inch. If you're the creative type, you know how this request to squelch your talents and creativity COMPLETELY, makes you want to stab them in the eyeball with a rusty nail and tell them to shove it in places even porn stars don't dare. And that's sayin' somethin'.

As a result, you wind up with a piece you won't look at let alone claim as your own or parade around as an example of the work you could produce working in design, as it looks like shit and winds up in the recycle bin on your computer almost as fast as you got fired for telling the client which dark places to shove the billboard. Why thank you, douche-tastic-ass clown, that's a fancy portfolio piece that will never see the light of day. It's been a pleasure. Now fuck off and go peddle your obnoxious need for VP status to someone equally as pompous and have yourself a pissing contest, kthxbye. No one cares that you have a chicken AND dairy farm making this fortune you're squandering on your ego. Well, except you of course. There's a whole world out there that would chew you up and spit you out where you stand my friend.

I didn't bust my ass in school to get to this point so you could insult me in my own element. I don't prance onto your chicken farm and tell you the color of the chickens shit is incorrect in accordance with poultry harvesting, don't march up in here telling me mustard yellow and vomit green are the new black and should be used as such. Open up your little Paint on your PC you most likely don't know how to operate, and have at it. Stop wasting my time. If you want someone to photocopy your bullshit, sharpied design on a napkin and print it up real nice for ya on a billboard, go to Kinko's. Only they were obsolete as well so they no longer exist. And please, for your own sake, shut your crapflap long enough to listen to some ideas I have instead of telling me I have no idea what I'm talking about. You smell like Hereford, TX and it would be greatly appreciated if you showered. Good day to you.

Now that's not to say I mean I don't want to hear your ideas or what you're expecting out of said design. It's your money, by all means waste it. I'm only speaking of the types who walk in like they own the joint and tell you they're the most brilliant human being on the planet in all aspects. It's about the equivalent of hiring an attorney to sit and let you do the talking at trial. You know who you are. Walk away please before this gets colorful in a verbal sense.

Granted, it doesn't help that I lived in a town where the most important things in life are how big your truck is and how loud your new stereo system will blare the equally obnoxious shit-kicker tunes at a decibel causing mass brain hemorrhage and impotence. And if you're not one of those types, I suggest you pick up a bible and start bludgeoning yourself in the face with it for looking at a chocolate chip cookie with such lust you've now shamed your entire family. If you don't, that's okay, someone else will and then tell you their attempt to drive out the chocolate chip cookie demons failed and you're going to hell anyway, whilst picking up said cookie and eating it in front of you.

Not everyone there is such, but it is a vast majority. The rest of us found shelter outside city limits or got the hell out at the first opportunity. If they saw me now with my tattoos and tiny piercings they'd banish my soul to eternal damnation just for crossing the city limit sign and entering their religious fanatic war without a stake through my blasphemous heart. I’m not saying I have issues with religion, or God, or whatever it is you pray to, but I have my limits in the way of extremist type teachings. And I damn sure have an issue with being beaten over the head with it because I don't like your mom's cooking or your opinion.

I am by no means saying I am the greatest designer that ever walked this spectacular planet of ours. The difference is I don't tout around that I DO know everything design and am the all seeing all knowing of the subject. Now that I've moved to a much more design conducive city, I can get on with it then, yes? Swell.