Dating Site Creation

I am a dating site member, not on purpose, but I am nevertheless. They have the ridiculous quizzes I like to take and from lack of observance, I joined it for the quizzes only to find out later, it's a dating site. My response, by way of my public profile, was the following. Enjoy........

My self summary:

I like long walks at the city landfill, which is best only on a hot, sweltering summer day, when the smell is in the air. It's especially desirable just after a pouring rain. I absolutely adore overly sensitive, menacingly serious about their perfect match, fun Nazi's who would prefer a woman to be reticent, docile and overall subservient to his every whim: a dame much like myself.

The following choices are amongst my most treasured introductions upon the opening of the heartfelt messages I eagerly await.

1. You're hot.
2. When am I taking you out?
3. Omg, please tell me your hair is long.
4. I usually only date blonds, but for you, I'll make an exception.
5. You can ride me if you like.
6. Your sarcastic profile was fun to read, but I think it might be a little too abrasive.
7. The ever bitter and lack of discernment, "I cant imagine why you're single."
8. OMG! Please tell me you have a tractor beam vagina!
9. Well your profile certainly is hateful and it makes you appear like a stupid person.
10. So, you are a midget?
11. Hey sexy . You there. I got something for you!-)
12. You going to chat with me? I was to get you in the sack! You up for it?
13. Here's a tip: Men want to feel needed. They don't want a sarcastic, aloof child.
14. I want a mutual addiction of body and flesh and of course to have my way with you.

My ideal match is a man who loves to check himself in the mirror all day, has more muscle mass than brain matter, and only has one single photo of his flexed bicep (chest will also suffice). I expect any man'o'mine to require an immediate agglomeration of progeny. My hips were only created to birth your offspring, after all, and I desire only to be the bearer of a stalwart boy to carry on the inescapable carnal prowess of his forefathers.

What I'm doing with my life:

Waiting for the above to message me you beastly stallion you. There's only so many house duties to take care of in the little 24 hours a day I have to prepare your dominion for your arrival. Those empty 3 hours are restless in my anticipation for my eternal adulation of your sway.

I'm really good at:

very few things, so I'll simply list them so as to prevent you from tireless drivel.
Relinquishing independence, compliance, obedience, silence and, of course, capitulation.

The first things people usually notice about me:

Notice me? Now that's just laughable, darlin. Why would they go and do such a foolish thing as that? My only concern is your utmost sovereignty.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food:

Books:

- The True Submission of Wifely Requirements
- How to Attract a Douche Bag
- Playing Coy: How to Master Mind Games - Amateur Edition
- Nabbing Your Bread-winning Man: 10 Easy Steps to Ensure You'll Never Have to be Independent Again
- How to Fake Sincere and Kind: A Gals Guide to Her Sensitive Man

Movies:

- Kitchenwives
- I Need to be Needed
- I'm Incomplete Without You
- You Showed Me the Best Night of My Life

Music:

Perhaps, in light of my failure to produce this evenings spread in a timely manner, you'd prefer I held the turntable stylus in place with my teeth, as I know you despise your record needlessly skipping due to my careless dusting, and this is your favorite method of my compliance education.

Food:

How can I possibly have time to discover my favorite foods? As I've stated, I'm only beginning to learn the proper preparation for YOUR food. Until I've got it down perfect, I'm afraid I have nothing further to speak on this matter.

The 6 things I could never do without:

Dependency.
Arrogance.
Flippancy.
Dominance.
Provocation.
Malakas.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

the man who will come sweep me off my feet and rescue me from this mundane life of independence and individuality. I do fully discern that I must mold myself into an undeniably transparent dolt if I wish to attract the perfect man. I know there's no foolish time wasted by such a hearty embodiment of a real man like you, on figuring out the alleged complexities of such a fragile beings mind.

On occasion, I look at my few OKC awards and ponder why anyone with half a lick of common sense would ever find me deserving of such a thing. I'm hesitant to accept most, as I am merely a woman and there are far more deserving men here that should rightfully be awarded. No need to award me for such nonsensical rambling.

On a typical Friday night I am:

Enjoying my weekly dialogue with Aunt Grettle of the weeks happenings and the crucial improvements to be made.

I do vastly appreciate her advice, as she is the world's foremost expert on felicitous woman conduct. I eagerly write down every word for reference in hopes that one day I will be a suitable bride.

Her greatest advice yet is to never utter a single thought of my own in the presence of any man, if I wish to allure a suitor. I've told her on innumerable occasions, her enlightenment would be deeply advantageous to matrons far and wide supposing that she wrote a book. She would never conceive of doing so, seeing as it does not abide by the very advice she's imparting. A becoming wife has no valid information to disclose.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit:

Deep down, I overly concern myself with the tone in which I portray myself. I know, as a man, your opinion of me is the only thing in this world that keeps the sun rising every morning. Without it, I would surely fade to nothing more than a forsaken, abhorrent shell of an existence.

You should message me if:

If every moment of every day, you require constant interaction from me to prove you are needed; if you can't bear the thought of not hearing my soothing voice, or reading my loving messages beyond a grueling hour; if you count the hours since our last words, then please, message me to your hearts content.

In the absence of my immediate response, I encourage you to continue sending me a reminder to do so. I only ask you send a bare minimum of 19 reminders, every hour, on the hour, until I've given you your answer. I would like to also politely request your utter contempt, open hostility, belittlement and berating in your reminders, as they are the only surefire methods of ensuring
compliance.

ADHD Complete Domination Successful: Day 1 (from 2010)

I woke up at 6 this morning for reasons unknown to my unemployed brain. Trying to reason with myself at that hour as to why I'm not sleeping, is utterly impossible. New reasoning: I'm awake, may as well work on some design stuff. Execute.

So I make my daily list, that I will most likely misplace by noon, and then open Photoshop AND Illustrator. Because ADHD has cleverly tricked me into believing this is the best possible solution to eliminating distraction. I have 9 bagillion ideas in my head, as the creative block has now left the building, so I get out mah trusty notebook and start writing them down.

But wait, another idea springs forth. I need to create some symbol libraries to use later in Illustrator, so repetitive things can just be popped onto the page. Not today later, in the future later. Why? I don't know, I forgot why.

When I need ideas for designing, I search online for various things. I needed ideas for symbols, so I googled vector images to browse for something that gave me an idea. Any time you search for some sort of free resource, you're led down an endless path of download sites, which I might add, DO NOT HELP WITH DISTRACTIONS.

Naturally, I'm no longer looking for ideas and writing them down, I'm now downloading vector libraries. LOTS of vectors. To put it in perspective, 3 hours of hyper-focused downloading.

Current time: 9 am.

In my quest to amass a boundless collection of vectors, I've realized I didn't create the libraries I already have correctly. Try to delete them, Illustrator says not a chance in hell. New idea: chat assistance on adobe.com That can't take long right? Uh huh. The help I finally get doesn’t work. In my frustration, I take a break.

Current time: 11:30 am (yes it took that long to get help)

Can't find my list OR my notebook, so of course this means I must go to Target immediately to get more notebooks. I've concluded ADHD sits in the back of my brain and waits for me to set my notebooks down and lose them, and then pounces and tells me it's completely rational to NEED to buy a new notebook, when mine is somewhere within a 5 foot radius of me.

I wind up buying more paper and pens and paint markers than I could ever possibly rationalize needing at any given point in the last 29 years of my life, for an hour. AN HOUR. While in the aisle I've now banished myself from, I randomly say, out loud, "I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles."

Please, let me explain. I have this book that's basically just a metric ton of ways to screw with people's heads based on the scenario at hand. This fantastically sane phrase I've burst out, is something you teach a pet store parrot to say. I haven't read this book in about 3 or 4 years. Keep that in mind.

Current time: 12:45-ish

I walk out of Target with my goodie bag of shiny new pens and ridiculous amounts of notebooks, and proceed to the row in which I have parked. Or not. I make it all the way to the very end of the parking lot before I realize, not only am I in the wrong row, I'm in the last row before the street on the opposite side of the parking lot from where I actually parked. I can remember an obscure and disturbing quote from a book I read 3 or 4 years ago, but I can't remember where I parked an hour later.

*Note to self: find phone app that gps tracks where your car is.* This is not the first time I've done this. Last time I had a cart full of groceries on the opposite side of the parking lot at Walmart and instead of walking back up the row, strained to get the cart pulled up on the grassy curb things that separate the rows, so I can just take the straight route. This gathered lot of fun this bitch is off her rocker looks.

On to my car. I'm hungry at this point after my exhausting trip to my untimely demise, referred to as Target. I get home, just a block down the road and suggest to myself that a sammich is required. Except I need to go set my stuff down in my room. But wait! I can't put my new notebooks in such disarray! I need to organize my desk to make room for new shiny paper and pens.

Sammich? What are you talking about sammich. I've got new paper you fool! Oh right, I'm hungry.

Current time: 2 pm

Make a delicious sammich. Go back to my room to eat and design. I've only wasted 8 hours at this point, there's plenty of time left in the day to do something constructive. Find my list of things to do and say, again outloud, "Oh yeah. Vector libraries." Actually start listing libraries this time but I want some music.

Proceed to open my playlist and start doodling in my shiny new notebook. Because yes, this it TOTALLY part of amassing vectors.

Current time: 4 pm

I think I shall partake in a delightful cigarette. Naturally, I can’t find any one of my 3 lighters. I search my room, which by the way, isn't messy. It's rather clean actually. Give up 15 minutes later and go outside to see if my roommates have left one of theirs outside. SCORE. They have.

I smoke, go back inside and open the fridge and immediately forget why. Confused, I stand there looking at the freezer door trying desperately to remember why I'm standing here in the cold breeze the open fridge door has created. Give up, close the door. Turn around to go back to my room and remember what I wanted. Ahh yes. A coke would be fabulous, but so would some easy mac. Put the mac in the microwave, and head back to my room.

Sit back down at my desk and hear a clicking noise. Look down and I'll be damned if all 3 of my lighters weren't in my sports bra. I put the lighter there when I go smoke because I have no pockets and if I leave it outside, one of the roommates will pick it up. How I managed to forget ALL 3 OF THEM WERE IN MY CLEAVAGE? ADHD strikes again!

Now that I have my trusty pyro tools again, back to vectoring. I stop downloading for the time being because I'd like to try to keep them organized as I go. Organizing vectors it is!

Current time: 8 pm

I hear from the kitchen, "Alisha? Is this mac & cheese yours?" *ears perk up* "I KNEW I forgot something."

So here I am at 8 pm on what promised to be a constructive day and I'm looking at my list.

I haven't done a single thing I so lovingly wrote down this morning. Not one. And the cherry on top of today's lapse in brainwaves……… I haven't even used Photoshop or Illustrator.

An Introduction.

At the ripe age of 28 my doctor informed me I'm not in fact insane, or pointlessly inattentive, I just lack particular brain functions, like a brain to mouth verbal vomit filter and an inside voice. That I in fact, have a little something called ADHD, and there's a medication to assist in said brain functions.

Upon researching the particular symptoms of ADHD, I've discovered that he is indeed correct in this diagnoses, as well as requesting my official testing. And I mean researching to a point that I'm now a member of a few sites that offer coaching and advice and any kind of information from psychiatrists you could ever need. I am eternally grateful to him for inadvertently explaining my entire life with those 4 letters.

My quirks I've always known in my childhood, as well as adulthood up to this point, begin to make so much sense, that I'm guessing if I were to bump into an old teacher from high school, they'd say, "You?! ADHD?! NO KIDDING!" I'm running like a bunny on fire to keep these......quirks as we shall now call them, that make me, well......me. It would be most unfortunate for me to be 'normal' as I've always been quirky and would be in an element I lack understanding of.

I like to imagine that I'm not a spaz, I just think faster than others and they can't keep up with the mind boggling speed at which I change subjects and later transition back to the original topic with such ease. And that my particular brand of humor is only misunderstood because theirs has yet to evolve to such heights.

I don't forget short term things, I simply misplace them for retrieval of a later time. I have methods in place for helping this short term memory, such as a hook on the wall where my keys go, only I forget to put them there, in turn losing my keys, only remembering what that hook is for when I'm using said keys.

I make lists of things to do in a fashion that they can be checked off upon completion. The problem isn't knowing what needs to be done any particular day, it's the distractions that come in the process that cause hyper focus, thus throwing the list out the window. This main culprit is something I like to call, the obsessive downloading of free design resources.

I can now, after 14 months of unemployment enabling this particular hyper focus, say I am the proud owner of over 900 fonts and an endless number of icons for my computer and brushes for Photoshop. Being a Graphic Designer, this actually isn't that bad of a thing to have. The problem lies herein when it comes time to finding these resources on my external hard drive, as I've yet to organize all of them. I didn't think to do this WHILE downloading, so you can imagine the process that would take place in doing it now, as they need to be organized according to the terms of use.

I pay attention.......to things I have interest in. Otherwise there's a 99% chance, in 5 seconds, I'll have no idea what you just said, or what I just said depending on the topic. There's also a very good chance I'll remember something from a previous conversation, sometimes from days ago, that I was having trouble thinking of at the time, and I'll blurt out said thing mid conversation of a topic completely unrelated. It happens. More than anything else. Interesting, you're talking about Star Trek, I could totally pay attention to this.........."SILK ROAD! That's what I was trying to think of the other day when we were talking, it's called the Silk Road. You may now continue on Star Trek."

I skim read, meaning: I read long printings by way of catching most of the information, and inevitably missing the most important parts that always wind up being the information I need for, say, a school discussion question. This is frustrating, as I had no interest in reading it the first time and now I have to go back and find this tiny, tiny bit of information, in the depth of the crap I wasn't paying attention to in the first place.

I randomly say things that I'm thinking. I don't mean complete thoughts, I mean a few choice words taken from what would have been a complete sentence in my head.

Example: A girl I frequently encounter wears these boots, all the time, and I'd heard about these long before I witnessed them. I was starting to wonder if it was a myth. This girl wearing these boots, walked past me, wearing these boots: emphasis on BOOTS, I'd heard so very much about. The only thing that came out of my mouth, by accident I might add, was "Santa Boots." I didn't mean to say it, but I was thinking it and per ADHD rules and regulations, I was required to say it.

I was left with no choice. Allow me to explain the Santa Boots so as to help you understand why they've been so lovingly named. They're black boots, with a rubber work boot looking toe, they lace up like combat boots and have faux fur on the top. Not the cute kind of furry edged boots, this fur looks like the wool lining of a plaid lumberjacks light jacket, hence the reference to Santa's boots. They're ugly and she wears them with whatever pants she has on tucked into them: even if they're not jeans.

The other day, this random announcement of thought reared its head again, at the same person actually. She was wearing the almost shorts almost pants kind of slacks, and this vest/cardigan thing that has LONG fringe coming from the bottom at just below the waist level down past the knees. My brilliant thoughts manage to produce one audible line: "It's FrodoBaggins!" I'm not proud of this, maybe a little I am, but it's something even the meds can't help at this age. I've known the random comment without filter reaction for far too long to just say goodbye.

And last but most certainly not least, my favorite quirk of them all. The random recollection of anything I've read, seen or heard in the past. My best example of this to date is this; Picture if you will: I'm walking through Target spending entirely too much money on ridiculous unnecessary items, like pens and notebooks. Out of nowhere, and with no 'trigger' to this recollection, I say out loud, "I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles," as a woman with her child walks by. What the........you're asking. I have a book that's a collection of things you can do to mess with peoples heads, one of the topics being what to teach a parrot in a pet store to say. This gem of a phrase is one of those phrases you teach this parrot. I haven't so much as opened this book in about 4 years or so and why that particular phrase is what I thought of, has yet to be determined.

Now being 2 weeks away for the big 30, I can honestly say the last year and a half of knowing why it is I am the way I am, have been pretty interesting. Stay tuned for more happenings as I continue this blog.